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My parents worked as brokers at Oppenheimer securities. They managed to finagle me a job. It's not pretty but that's what happened. It felt less like a corporation than a family business. Lillian and Elliot Eisman had been giving financial advice to individual investors on behalf of Oppenheimer since the early s. Lillian had created their brokerage business Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers of Oppenheimer, and Elliot, who had started out as a criminal attorney, had joined her after being spooked once too often by midlevel Mafia clients.
Before rescuing their son from his legal career they'd installed his old nanny on the Oppenheimer trading floor. On his way to reporting to his mother Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers father, Eisman passed the woman who had once changed his diapers.
Oppenheimer had a nepotism rule, however; if Lillian and Elliot wanted to hire their son, they had to pay his salary for the first year, while others determined if he was worth paying at all. Eisman's parents, old-fashioned value investors at heart, had always told him that the best way to learn about Wall Street was to work as an equity analyst.
He started in equity analysis, working for the people who shaped public opinion about public companies. Oppenheimer employed twenty-five or so analysts, most of whose analysis went ignored by the rest of Wall Street.
She added, Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers was a counterculture element Adelgazar 20 kilos Oppenheimer. The people at the big firms were all being paid to be consensus.
He started as a junior equity analyst, a helpmate, not expected to offer his own opinions. That changed in Decemberless than Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers year into the new job. A Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers mortgage lender called Aames Financial went public, and no one at Oppenheimer particularly cared to express an opinion about it. Morgan but did include many little-known companies involved one way or another in the early s boom in subprime mortgage lending.
Aames was the first subprime mortgage lender to go public. The second company for which Eisman was given sole responsibility was called Lomas Financial Corp. Lomas had just emerged from bankruptcy. I didn't know that you weren't supposed to put sell ratings on companies.
Skip to main content. Log In Sign Up. The Big Short. Atif Najmi. I was twenty-four years old, with no experience of, or particular interest in, guessing which stocks and bonds would rise and which would fall. Believe me when I tell Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers that I hadn't the first clue. I'd never taken an accounting course, never run a business, never even had savings of my own to manage. Cocksuckers assholes Citi mortgage.
I thought there were three boxes--buy, hold, sell--and you could pick the one you thought you should. He could fake upbeat, and sometimes did, Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers he was happier not bothering.
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Eisman quickly established himself as one of the few analysts at Oppenheimer whose opinions Adelgazar 15 kilos stir the markets. He dressed half-fastidiously, as if someone had gone to great Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers to buy him nice Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers clothes but not told him exactly how they should be worn. His short-cropped blond hair looked as if he had cut it himself.
The focal point of his soft, Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers, not unkind face was his mouth, mainly because it was usually at least half open, even while he ate. It was as if he feared that he might not be able to express whatever thought had just flitted through his mind quickly enough before the next one came, and so kept the channel perpetually clear.
His other features all arranged themselves, almost dutifully, around the incipient thought. It was the opposite of a poker face. In his dealings with the outside world, a pattern emerged.
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Important men Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers might have expected from Eisman some sign of deference or respect, on the other hand, often Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers away from encounters with him shocked and outraged. The president of a large Japanese real estate firm was another. He'd sent Eisman his company's financial statements and then followed, with an interpreter, to solicit Eisman's investment.
The interpreter conferred with the CEO. World War Three is about to break out. Toy-lay paper?
Morgan before quitting to open the women's clothing store Edit New York, and to raise their children. Believe me, I've Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers and I've tried and I've tried. He knows everyone thinks of him as a character but he doesn't think of himself that way. Steven lives inside his head. Here was the first of many theories about Eisman: He Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers simply so much more interested in whatever was rattling around his brain than he was in whoever happened to be standing in front of him that the one overwhelmed the other.
This theory struck others who knew Eisman well as incomplete. His mother, Lillian, offered a second theory. One was that of the boy to whom she had given the brand-new bicycle he so desperately craved, only to have him pedal it into Central Park, lend it to a kid he'd never met, and watch it vanish into the distance. The other was that of the young man who set out to Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers the Talmud, not because he had the slightest interest in God but because he was curious about its internal contradictions.
Later, after Eisman became seriously rich and had to think about how to give money away, he landed on an organization called Footsteps, devoted to helping Hasidic Jews flee their religion.
He couldn't even give away his money without picking a fight. By pretty much every account, Eisman was a curious character. And La buena dieta walked onto Wall Street at the very beginning of a curious phase. The creation of the mortgage bond market, a decade earlier, had extended Wall Street into a place it had never before been: At first the new bond market machine concerned itself with the more solvent half of the American population.
The mortgage bond was different in important ways from old-fashioned corporate and government bonds. A mortgage bond wasn't a single giant loan for an explicit Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers term. A mortgage bond was a claim on the cash flows from a pool of thousands of individual home mortgages. These cash flows were always problematic, as the borrowers had the right to pay off any time Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers pleased. This was the single biggest reason that bond investors initially had been reluctant to invest in home mortgage loans: Mortgage borrowers typically repaid their loans only when interest rates fell, and they could refinance more cheaply, leaving the owner of a mortgage bond holding a pile of cash, to invest at lower interest rates.
The investor in home Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers didn't know how long his investment would last, only that he would get his money back when he least wanted it.
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To limit this uncertainty, the people I'd worked with at Salomon Brothers, who created the mortgage bond market, had come up with a clever solution. They took giant pools of home loans and carved up the payments Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers by homeowners into pieces, called tranches.
The buyer of the first tranche was like the owner of the ground floor in a flood: He got hit with the first wave of mortgage prepayments. In exchange, he received a higher interest rate. The buyer of the second tranche--the second story of the skyscraper--took the next Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers of prepayments and in exchange received the second highest interest rate, and so on.
The big fear of the s mortgage bond investor Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers that he would be repaid too quickly, not that he would fail to be repaid at all. The pool of loans underlying the mortgage bond conformed to Adelgazar 72 kilos standards, in their size and the credit quality of the borrowers, set by one of several government agencies: The Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers carried, in effect, government guarantees; if the homeowners defaulted, the government paid off their debts.
When Steve Eisman stumbled into this new, rapidly growing industry of specialty finance, the mortgage bond was about to be put to a new use: The purpose was to extend credit to less and less creditworthy homeowners, not so that they might buy a house but so that they could cash out whatever equity they had in the house they already owned. The mortgage bonds created from subprime home loans extended the logic invented to address the problem of early repayment to cope with the problem of no repayment at all.
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Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers investor in the first floor, or tranche, would Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers exposed not to prepayments but to actual losses. He took the first losses until his investment was entirely wiped out, whereupon the losses hit the guy on the second floor. And so on. In the early s, just a pair of Wall Street analysts devoted their careers to understanding the effects of extending credit into places where that sun didn't often shine.
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Steve Eisman was one; the other was Sy Jacobs. Ranieri was the closest thing the mortgage bond market had to a founding father. The implications of turning home mortgages into bonds were mind-bogglingly vast.
One man's liability had always been another man's asset, but now more and more of the liabilities could be turned into bits of paper that you could sell to anyone.
In short order, the Salomon Brothers trading floor gave birth to small markets in bonds funded by all sorts of strange stuff: To invent a new market was only a matter of finding a new asset to hock.
The most obvious untapped asset in America was still the home. People with first mortgages had vast amounts of equity locked up in Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers houses; why shouldn't this untapped equity, too, be securitized? If your credit rating was a little worse, you paid a lot more--and a lot more than you really should.
If we Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers mass market the bonds, we can drive down the cost to borrowers. They can replace high interest rate credit card debt with lower interest rate mortgage debt. And it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. In the early s, the first subprime mortgage Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers Money Store, Greentree, Aames--sold shares to the public, Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers that they might grow faster.
By the mids, dozens Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers small consumer lending companies were coming to market each year. The subprime lending industry was fragmented. Because the lenders sold many--though not all--of the loans they made to other investors, in the form of mortgage bonds, the industry was also fraught with moral hazard.
That was the seamy underbelly of the good idea. Eisman and I both believed in the big idea and we both met some really sleazy characters. That was our job: Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers quickly became one of the leading bankers to the new industry, in no small part because Eisman Dietas faciles one of its leading proponents.
Vincent Daniel had grown up in Queens, without any of the perks Steve Eisman took for granted. And yet if you met them you might guess that it was Vinny who had grown up in high style on Park Avenue and Eisman who had been raised in the small duplex on Eighty-second Avenue.
Eisman was brazen Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers grandiose Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers focused on the big kill. Vinny was careful and wary and interested in details. He was young and fit, with thick, dark hair and handsome features, but his appearance was overshadowed by his concerned expression--mouth ever poised to frown, Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers ever ready to rise.
He had little to lose but still seemed perpetually worried that something important was about to be taken from him. His father had been murdered when he was a small boy--though no one ever talked about that--and his mother had found a job as a bookkeeper at a commodities trading firm. She'd raised Vinny and his brother alone. Maybe it was Queens, maybe it was what had happened to his father, or maybe it was just the way Vincent Daniel was wired, but he viewed his fellow man with Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers most intense suspicion.
It was with the awe of a champion speaking of an even greater champion that Steve Eisman said, "Vinny is dark. He was instantly struck by the opacity of an investment bank's books. None of his fellow accountants was able to explain why the traders were doing what they were doing. I asked these basic Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers, Why do they own this mortgage bond?
Are they just betting on it, or is it part of some larger strategy? I thought I needed to know. It's really difficult to audit a company if you can't connect the dots. They were giant black boxes, whose hidden gears were in constant motion.
Several months into the audit, Vinny's manager grew tired of his questions. He said, 'Vinny, it's not your job. An old school friend of his worked at a place called Oppenheimer and Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers. He handed Vinny's resume in to human resources, and it made its way to Steve Eisman, who turned out to be looking for someone to help him parse the increasingly arcane accounting used by subprime mortgage originators.
They'd met twice when Eisman phoned him out of the blue. Vinny assumed he Adelgazar 30 kilos about to be offered a job, but soon after they started to talk, Eisman received an emergency call on the other line and put Vinny on hold.
Vinny sat waiting for fifteen minutes in silence, but Eisman never came back on the line. Two months later, Eisman called him back. When could Vinny start? Eisman didn't particularly recall Adelgazar 50 kilos he had put Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers on hold and never picked up again, any Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers than he recalled why he had gone to the bathroom in the middle of lunch with a big-time CEO and never returned.
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Vinny soon found his own explanation: A decade later, the people closest to Eisman would describe this as an event that changed his relationship to the world around him.
He was Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers and he was safe. After Max, the angel on his shoulder was done. Anything can happen to anyone at any time. All Vinny knew was that the Eisman Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers went to work for was obviously not quite the same Eisman he'd met several months earlier. The Eisman Vinny had interviewed with was, by the standards of Wall Street analysts, honest.
He was not completely uncooperative. Oppenheimer was among the leading bankers to the subprime mortgage industry. They never would have been given the banking business if Eisman, their noisiest analyst, had not been willing to say nice things about them. Much as he enjoyed bashing the less viable companies, he accepted that the subprime lending industry was a useful addition to the U.
His willingness to be rude about a few of these subprime originators was, in a way, useful. It lent credibility to his recommendations of the others. Eisman was now about to become noticeably more negatively disposed, in ways that, from the point of view of his employer, were financially counterproductive. Most importantly: Don't come out until you've figured out what it means.
Vinny was otherwise on his own. Vinny had to teach himself. When he was done, he had an explanation for the unpleasant odor wafting from Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers subprime Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers industry that Eisman had detected.
These companies disclosed their ever-growing earnings, but not much else. One of the many Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers they failed to disclose was the delinquency rate of the home loans they were making. When Eisman had bugged them for these, they'd pretended that the fact was irrelevant, as they had sold all the loans Adelgazar 72 kilos to people who packaged them into mortgage bonds: The risk was no longer Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers.
This was untrue. All retained some small fraction of the loans they originated, and the companies were allowed to book as profit the expected future value of those loans.
The accounting rules allowed them to assume the loans would be repaid, and not prematurely. This assumption became the engine of their doom.
Their Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers dropped, like cars', the moment they left the store. The mobile home buyer, unlike the ordinary home buyer, couldn't expect to refinance in two years and take money out. Why were they prepaying so fast? Vinny asked himself. Then I saw that the reason the prepayments were so high is that they were involuntary. It was as if the ordinary rules of finance had been suspended in response Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers a social problem.
A thought crossed his mind: How do you make poor people feel wealthy when wages are stagnant? You give them cheap loans. To sift every pool of subprime mortgage loans took him six months, but when he was done he came out of the room and gave Eisman the news. All these subprime lending companies were Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers so rapidly, and using such goofy accounting, that they could mask Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers fact that they had no real earnings, just illusory, accounting-driven, ones.
They had the essential feature of a Ponzi scheme: I think what he needed was evidence to downgrade the stock. Your data's wrong. He'd violated the Wall Street code. And he didn't want to be talked out of it. And if he told them, he'd have had all these people trying to Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers him out of it.
My entire reputation had been built on covering these stocks. If I was wrong, that would be the end of the career of Steve Eisman. In the subsequent flight to safety, the early subprime lenders were denied capital and promptly went bankrupt en masse. Their failure was interpreted as an indictment of their accounting practices, which allowed them to record profits before Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers were realized.
No one but Vinny, so far as Vinny could tell, ever really understood the crappiness of the loans they had made. You can't add anything by looking at Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers arcane stuff, so why bother? But I was the only guy I knew who was covering companies that were all going to go bust during the greatest economic boom we'll ever see in my lifetime. I saw how the sausage was made in the economy and it was really freaky.
He held a picture of the financial world in his head that was radically different from, and less flattering than, the financial world's self-portrait. A few years later, he quit his job and went to work for a giant hedge fund called Chilton Investment. He'd lost interest in telling other people where to put their money. He thought he Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers be able to remain interested if he managed money himself and bet on his own judgments.
Having hired Eisman, Chilton Investment had second thoughts. But can he pick stocks? Eisman hated it, but he did it, and in doing it he learned something that prepared him uniquely for the crisis that was about to occur. He learned what was really going on inside Friend gives blowjob Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers for consumer loans.
The year was now There were no public subprime lending companies left in America. There was, however, an ancient consumer lending giant called Household Finance Corporation.
Created in the s, it had long been a leader in the field. Eisman understood the company well, he thought, until he realized that he didn't. Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers early he got his hands on Household's new sales document offering home equity loans. Americans, digesting the Internet bust, seemed in Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers position to take on new debts, and yet Household was making loans at a faster pace than ever.
A big source of its growth had been the second mortgage.
Generally I try to maintain a calm, Adelgazar 20 kilos tone when ranting about things, but this story has sent Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers off the deep end. As a result, this post will feature some strong language, and possibly some sentences that simply degenerate into a stream of nonsensical grunts and screams of rage-filled anguish. I do, however, have to worry about getting laid off if my company Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers or, god forbid, goes tits up amid this financial crisis. Why am I telling you all this? So while most of us are busy shitting the bed every night in fear of losing everything, the pricks responsible for this mess are getting rewarded with our fucking hard-earned money. Oh, and instead of Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers a jet from, say, a company in America that could probably Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers that fifty million right about now, Citigroup decided that it would be better to purchase from a French company instead. I hear their next project involves stopping at the home of every tax payer in the US and taking a big, steamy dump in the front yard. Assholes cocksuckers mortgage Citi.
The document offered a fifteen-year, fixed-rate loan, but it was bizarrely disguised as Adelgazar 72 kilos thirty-year loan. It took the stream of payments the homeowner would make to Household over fifteen years, spread it hypothetically over thirty years, and asked: If you were making the same dollar payments over thirty Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers that you are in fact making over fifteen, what would Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers "effective rate" of interest be?
It was a weird, dishonest sales pitch. The borrower was told he had an "effective interest rate of 7 percent" when he was in fact paying something like He scoured small newspapers around the country.
In the town of Bellingham, Washington--the last city of any size before you reach Canada--he found a reporter named John Stark, who wrote for the Bellingham News.
Before Eisman called him out of the blue, Stark had written a small piece about four locals who thought they had been Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers by Household and found a plaintiff's attorney willing to sue the company and void the mortgage contracts. I wasn't too sympathetic. Hundreds of people in and around Bellingham had picked up the newspaper to discover that their 7 percent mortgage was in fact a A lot of them didn't realize what had happened to them.
His job became a single-minded crusade against the Household Finance Corporation.Alarm
He alerted newspaper reporters, he called up magazine writers, he became friendly with the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now ACORNwhich must be the first time a guy from a Wall Street hedge fund exhibited such interest in Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers organization devoted to guarding Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers interests of the poor. He repeatedly pestered the office of the attorney general of the state of Washington.
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Eisman obtained a copy; its contents confirmed his worst suspicions. If they're gone, who would Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers subprime loans Dietas faciles the state of Washington? Household was peddling these deceptive mortgages all over the country. Yet the federal government failed to act. Eisman was genuinely shocked. And it was engaged in just blatant fraud. They should have taken the CEO out and hung him up by his fucking testicles.
Instead they sold the company and the CEO made a hundred million dollars. Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers I thought, Whoa! That one didn't end the way it should have. Instead what we had was a regime where those were the people who were protected the least.
He Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers more than any grown man should about the lives of various superheroes. He knew the Green Lantern oath by heart, for instance, and understood Batman's inner life better than the Caped Crusader himself. Before the death of his son, Eisman had read the adult Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers of the comics he'd read as a child--Spider-Man was his favorite. Now he read only the darkest adult comics, and favored those that took familiar fairy tales and rearranged them without changing any Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers the facts, so that the story became less familiar, and something other than a fairy tale.
And it leads you to look at the earlier episodes differently. Now a fairy tale was being reinvented before his eyes in the financial markets.
They may be charging you high fees and ripping your heart out, but Big ass amal least you know it. The subprime mortgage loan was a cheat. You're basically drawing someone in by telling them, 'You're going to pay off all your other loans--your credit card debt, your auto loans--by taking this one loan.
And look at the low rate!
It's a teaser rate. Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers he explained that they avoided free checking because it was really a tax on poor people--in the form of fines for overdrawing their checking accounts. And that banks that used it were really just banking on being able to rip off poor people even more than they could if they charged them for their checks.
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He joined right-wing organizations, voted Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers Reagan twice, and even loved Robert Bork. It wasn't until he got to Wall Street, oddly, that his politics Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers left. He attributed his first baby steps back to the middle of the political spectrum to the end of the cold war.
His mind was now fully open to the possibility. An outfit called FrontPoint Partners, soon to be wholly owned by Morgan Adelgazar 20 kilos, housed a collection of hedge funds. In earlyMorgan Stanley agreed to let Eisman set up a fund that focused exclusively on financial companies: Wall Street banks, home builders, mortgage originators, companies with big financial services divisions--General Electric GEfor instance--and anyone else who touched American finance.
Morgan Stanley took a cut of the fees off the top and provided him with office space, furniture, and support staff. The only thing they didn't supply him with was money. Eisman was expected to drum that up Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers his own. He flew all over the world and eventually met with hundreds of big-time investors. Let's see how you do. He hadn't raised money; he didn't know that he would; Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers didn't even know if he could.
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He certainly didn't believe that the world was fair, or that things always worked out for the best, or that he enjoyed some special protection from life's accidents.
Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers was waking up at four in the morning, drenched in sweat. Citi mortgage assholes cocksuckers was also in therapy. He was still Eisman, however, and so it wasn't conventional therapy. Eisman would burst in late to these meetings, talk through whatever was bothering him, and then rush off before the others had a chance to tell him about their problems. After he'd done this a couple of times, the therapist said something to him about it, but he didn't appear to have heard her.
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